index about faves fanacc archive


PREVIOUS NEXT

⋆Sopiya blogging nonsense⋆
Bottled up feelings

Wow

Its been so long since I blog on here. Its been like what? 3years. I wished I had that time where i can recreate blogskins and then be that crazy and obsess with html but sadly im not that free anymore. (Or u can say im just a lazy bitch)

Honestly i only came back to login so i can blog and write my feelings since no one will ever read this so is a good outlet for me to express myself fully. (Literally)

Bottled up feelings.

What is this hmmm.

Well, all this time i feel like im getting too much of a problem with myself that i lowkey cant deal.
Suicidal thoughts, self harm.. panic attacks...

I mean I do tell some of my close friends on how im feeling but i dont go telling them the full extend of my matters. I literally find that no one. Honestly no one can relate to me more than myself. No one can help me other than myself. Is literally just my own will power.

I feel alone.

Suicidal thoughts.

With just that I feel the words itself already expresses it. I get occasionally the urge to do it. Sometimes watching those crime scene or videos on reddit/ tumblr/insta numbs me. Or i even pictured myself being the victim of it. I find myself thinking what if i just do it now? Will anyone bother to cry over me? I feel like only my family will do. Perhaps maybe some of my friends who care will be mourning but all this only last for awhile and then is all gone. Im literally a memory afterwards. What do i even leave behind? Nothing. Im just a name over a dead body after.

I always said i want to write a note before i did it but i never ever do it. Im too much of a pussy. Because i find that if i ever write the letter... i would honestly just do it already. Like for real.

Recently too, my friend keep wanting to do it too. I literally don't know how to handle the situation. I feel bad because i cant comfort well. I want to comfort my friend well but i cant? Im just a loser in that situation. The only way i can comfort is just by saying im here for u or that just message me when u need to talk im here. Obviously i do mean it but is just i feel such a shit person for not being able to do more? I want to do more for my friend but i suck at it. I really do..

Self harm

Why do u do it sophia? Honestly i dont know myself. Maybe it was because i cant feel pain pain, and only physical pain makes me alive? Maybe because i think that by having real pain, my life would be better? Or perhaps this pain will leak out and my inner thoughts can be let go? Well i don't know??? I cant figure out myself. Im always telling my friend who does it to not do it. But i myself do it???? Im such a hypocrite but then again i cant control my urges. It just comes. If i dont do it i think about it everyday till i just did it again and then i will stop after. Regret. Cry over it and im done with it for that moment.

Repeat. The cycles will repeat. I tell myself ok lets be clean for a month. After a month or less i relapse. Repeat.

Panic attacks

Why does this happen? I dont know i really dont know the cause of my attacks. Im still finding out. Recently it got worst from stress? Im now chill again as in is my holiday im not feeling that awful. But then again im afraid when it will strike back. Will it happen when im not at home? That will be such a bad thing. I dont want anyone to see me freaking out having a full blown break down. I want to be alone when it happen... i really do..

All this feelings i feel better after i type out wow. And its like almost 4am now. I hope that this will be a much better outlet for me instead of twitter or tumblr.etc since literally im not crying for help anymore.

I want to be brave i want to face these problems well. I hope i can. What is this tho? Is it depression? I guess it is. Can i get it over one day. I guess not? But i just wish those thoughts were lesser...



Sunday, December 16, 2018 | 0 comments

Theme coded by Sophia